Banned from zoo.
Again?
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize