I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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