I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I'm getting married
To pizza
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
