Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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