I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
