Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
