Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
