I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
