Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
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