my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Randomize
