I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
