I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
