She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
