I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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