where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
