you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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