Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
