I'd wear matching sweaters with you
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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