Walk of Shame. In a state park.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
If I die, sorry about rent.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
