Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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