I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
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