Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
