You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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