I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
