yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize