I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
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