Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
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