My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
i think i have two assholes
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
