Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize
