Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Randomize
