he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
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