rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
