I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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