So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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