I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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