halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
