I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
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