Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Randomize
