I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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