I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
