3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
