we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize