Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
