When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Randomize
