I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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