you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
