I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
