honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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