Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
I'm lost and stupid without you.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Randomize
