I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I just gift wrapped bread.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
