I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
