I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize