Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Randomize
