you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
