I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
