i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
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