She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
